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The guilt of not doing enough - both directions
Every day I feel guilty in at least 2 directions. Guilty for not spending enough time with my aging mom who needs more help. Guilty for not being present enough with my kids because I'm dealing with my mom's situation. Guilty for not performing at work because both of the above. The guilt is literally eating me alive.
My wife is being incredibly patient but I can tell its straining our marriage too. How do you guys manage the guilt?
The guilt never fully goes away but therapy helped me understand something important: guilt is a signal that you care, not proof that you're failing. You literally cannot be everything to everyone all the time. No one can.
What helped me practically: scheduling. Mom gets Tuesday evening and Saturday morning. Kids get Sunday all day. Wednesday night is date night with my wife. Its rigid but it means everyone gets dedicated time and I'm not constantly feeling like I should be somewhere else.
Man this hit home. I call it the "sandwich guilt" because that's exactly what it is. My therapist told me that guilt is often about other people's expectations (real or imagined) and that I needed to get clear on what's actually MY responsibility vs what I've taken on unnecessarily.
Turns out I was doing things for my parents that they never even asked for because I assumed they needed it. Having an honest conversation about what they ACTUALLY needed vs what I was projecting freed up a lot of energy.
Something someone told me that I think about every day: "You can do anything but you can't do everything." Give yourself permission to be good enough. Perfect doesn't exist in this situation.
The both-directions guilt is the right name for it. I miss things at my kids' school because of mom appointments. I cut mom appointments short because of kid stuff. There is no clean week.
What's helped me, partially: I made a small written list of what "good enough" looks like in each direction. For the kids it's: showing up to the things that matter to them (not all the things — the ones they'd notice me missing). For mom it's: every appointment, weekly grocery run, daily check-in call. Everything outside those two lists I let go of with as little guilt as I can manage, which is "some" not "none."
Doesn't make the guilt disappear. Gives it a smaller box to live in.