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Anger isn't what you think it is (my story)
Quick backstory: coached HS football, loved it, burned out hard. During that burnout I was ANGRY all the time. Road rage, snapping at my wife, yelling at the dog (the DOG, man). I thought I had an anger problem.
Turns out? Depression. My therapist explained that for a lot of men, anger is how depression shows up. We don't get sad and cry — we get pissed off and punch walls. Something about how we're wired plus how we're raised.
Once I started treating the depression underneath, the anger just... dissolved. Like it was never really anger at all. It was pain wearing a mask.
If you're reading this and you're always angry and you don't know why — please consider that something else might be going on underneath. There was an article on here about this exact thing that nailed it.
dude. yes. this is exactly what happened to me. I wasn't "angry" I was depressed and had zero tools to deal with it. my dad never showed emotion except anger so guess what I learned?? anger. thats it. thats the whole toolbox.
therapy helped me build new tools. still a work in progress tho
Jake, this is such an important post. The clinical literature on "male-type depression" or "masked depression" supports exactly what you're describing. Researchers like Dr. Lisa Martin have documented how depression in men frequently manifests as irritability, anger, risk-taking, and substance use rather than the classic sadness/withdrawal presentation.
The anger-depression connection is one of the most under-discussed topics in men's health. I wrote about this in my pharmacology column — the neurochemistry is fascinating. Low serotonin can actually present as heightened aggression before it presents as low mood.
Reading this and literally crying. My dad was angry my entire childhood. Now he has dementia and sometimes in his lucid moments he apologizes for "being so mean." I think he was depressed his whole life and none of us knew. He was just "dad being dad."
I wish he'd had access to something like this forum 30 years ago.
Jake thank you for writing this. I shared it with my husband. He read it twice and then got really quiet and said "I think that might be me." So... we're looking into therapists now. Seriously, you might have just changed something for our family.