Where did everyone go?
In my 20s I had a solid crew. We hung out every weekend, played basketball, went to bars, did stupid stuff. Normal friend stuff.
Now Im 37 with two kids and I can count my actual friends on one hand. And by “friends” I mean people I text once a month to say “we should hang out” and then we never do.
Read the male loneliness article here and the statistic that 15% of men have zero close friends hit me. I dont think Im at zero but Im close. My wife is basically my only real confidant and thats alot of pressure on one person.
Is this just what happens when you have kids? Or did I mess something up?
You didnt mess anything up. This is the default trajectory for men in their 30s. Male friendships decline faster than female friendships after marriage and kids because men typically relied on proximity-based friendships (school, work, gym) rather than intentional ones.
What Ive done that helps: One standing weekly commitment with a friend (we play chess online every Tuesday). Text first, dont wait for them. Lower the bar — friendship at 37 isnt clubbing til 2am, its 45 minutes of honest conversation over coffee.
The hardest part is admitting you need friends. Feels embarassing somehow. Like youre supposed to be self-sufficient by now.
Mens groups. I know it sounds weird. I thought it was going to be drum circles and chanting. It wasnt.
I joined one through a local church (Im not particularly religious but they didnt care). 8 guys, every other Thursday, 90 minutes. We talk about real stuff. Marriage, work, fear, anger, health. No advice giving — just listening.
It took about 3 sessions before anyone got real. Then one guy talked about almost leaving his wife and the whole room exhaled. Now its the thing I look forward to most every two weeks.
Theres nothing like being in a room full of men who are done pretending to have it all figured out.
The vulnerability thing is key. I have “friends” I play golf with and we talk about sports and work surface-level stuff. I have zero friends I could call at 2am if I was falling apart.
The article called it “friendships of convenience vs friendships of depth.” Most mens friendships are the first kind. Those evaporate the moment the convenience ends.
Building the second kind requires doing the uncomfortable thing: being the first one to go deeper. Someone has to break the seal.
Im 24 and already experiencing this. My college friends scattered after graduation and Im in a new city where I know no one. The apps for making friends feel weird. The meetup groups feel forced.
Reading this thread from guys in their 30s and 40s is kinda scary because it sounds like it only gets harder. But also helpful because at least I know its not just me being broken.
@NewToThis — youre ahead of the curve just by recognizing it at 24. Most of us didnt notice until it was a crisis. The fact that youre aware means you can be intentional about it now instead of waking up at 40 wondering where everyone went.
Man this hits home. I had like 6 close friends before my first kid was born. Now? Maybe 2 guys I text semi-regularly and even then its mostly memes. Its not that I dont want friends, I literally dont have the energy after work + kids + trying to keep my marriage alive. My wife has her mom group and they hang out weekly. I got… fantasy football chat?
The gym buddy thing is real tho. Like the only male friendships I maintain are the ones built around an activity. Gym partner, golf buddy, the guys from pickup basketball. Take away the activity and we just… stop talking? Anyone else notice that or is it just me lol
Tried reaching out to an old college friend last month. Sent a text like hey man we should grab a beer sometime. Felt so awkward. Like I was asking someone on a date. He said sure but we still havent actually done it. Making new friends as an adult man feels borderline impossible and nobody talks about how lonely that actually is.