I’m going to be honest because I think the internet needs more honest accounts of what therapy is actualy like for a guy who never thought he’d go.
Month 1: Awkward. I didn’t know what to talk about. I kept trying to “solve” the conversation like it was a work problem. My therapist (male, which mattered to me) kept saying “you’re doing great” and I kept thinking “I haven’t done anything.”
Month 2: Started actually talking about my dad. Didn’t plan to. It just came out. Felt terrible for about a week after that session. Almost quit.
Month 3: Things started connecting. I realized my “anger management problem” was actually me recreating my childhood dynamic where showing vulnerability = getting punished. Every time my wife tried to have an emotional conversation, my body went into fight mode. Not because of her — because of something that happend 25 years ago.
Month 4 (now): I’m not “fixed.” But I caught myself about to snap at my kid last week and instead I said “I need a minute.” That’s never happened before. My wife noticed before I told her.
Is it worth it? Yeah. But it’s not what I expected.
This is one of the most honest therapy accounts I’ve read. The part about Month 2 — feeling worse before feeling better — is something I wish more people talked about. It’s like physical therapy. Your working muscles that haven’t been used. It’s uncomfortable.
The guys I’ve coached who stick with it past Month 3 almost all say the same thing: “I didn’t realize how much energy I was spending holding everything together.”
I put off therapy for 15 years. Finally went at 43 after my second marriage started showing the same patterns as my first. The thing that suprised me most? It wasn’t about lying on a couch and talking about feelings. My therapist gave me actual exercises. Homework. Stuff to practice between sessions.
It was more like coaching than what I imagined therapy was.
For anyone on the fence: a 2024 meta-analysis in The Lancet Psychiatry found that CBT for men with depression had an effect size of 0.71, which is considered a large clinical effect. The evidence isnt ambiguous here. Therapy works. The barrier is access and stigma, not efficacy.
How did you find a male therapist? I’ve looked on those directory sites and its overwhelming. Do you just… call and ask?
@NewToThis — Psychology Today directory lets you filter by gender. I also specifically searched for someone who listed “men’s issues” as a specialty. Called three, picked the one whos voicemail didn’t make me cringe. Low bar, but it worked.
4 months in is when it really starts clicking! The first couple months for me were just building trust with my therapist. Around month 4-5 is when we actually started getting into the deep stuff. Keep going, it gets harder before it gets easier but its so worth it
What kind of therapy are you doing if you dont mind me asking? I tried regular talk therapy and it felt like I was just venting for an hour. Switched to CBT and its way more structured which works better for my brain. Also looked into EMDR for some trauma stuff
Genuinely happy for you man. My biggest hesitation was the cost tbh. Was paying like 180 a session out of pocket before I found someone in-network. If cost is a barrier for anyone reading this, check open path collective – sliding scale therapy starting at like 30 bucks