Things that actually help (a caregiver's honest list)
After a year and a half of caregiving, here's my honest list of what actually helps vs what people TELL you helps:
Actually helps:
- Adult day program for dad (getting those hours back saved my sanity)
- This forum (not joking — knowing I'm not alone is huge)
- 20-minute walks when I can fit them in
- The Sunday brain-dump into ChatGPT that Sarah suggested
- Saying no to things. Learning this late in life but better late than never
- Letting the house be messy. Nobody is grading my housekeeping.
- Crying when I need to instead of holding it in
Sounds helpful but isn't (for me personally):
- "Have you tried yoga?" (yes karen I've tried yoga. I need sleep not downward dog)
- Generic self-care advice from people who don't understand caregiving
- Meditation apps (my brain will not shut up for 10 minutes no matter how calm the voice is)
- Bubble baths (who has time for a bubble bath and also I don't have a bathtub)
- "You should take a vacation" (and leave my dad with whom exactly??)
Your list might be different and that's fine. The point is: figure out what actually works for YOU, not what Instagram says should work for you.
"yes karen I've tried yoga" made me literally spit out my coffee. Lisa you're hilarious even when you're exhausted.
my list would be: therapy, gym, cooking (weirdly relaxing), this forum, and honestly just sitting in my car for 5 minutes in the parking lot before going inside anywhere. those 5 minutes of silence are everything.
"Letting the house be messy" is underrated. When I was burned out my wife basically said "I don't care about the dishes, I care about YOU" and it was one of the most helpful things anyone said to me. Giving yourself permission to not be perfect at everything is a form of self-care that costs nothing.
Also huge +1 on the crying thing. Tears are a stress release mechanism. Literally. They contain stress hormones. Your body is trying to help you.
Lisa, I love the honesty of this list. The distinction between "actually helps" and "sounds helpful but isn't" is so important because generic self-care advice can actually make caregivers feel WORSE — like they're failing at self-care on top of everything else.
Your list reflects what the research shows: practical support (respite care, time management tools) and emotional support (community, honest expression) are more effective for caregiver wellbeing than individual relaxation activities. Because the problem isn't that you're not relaxed enough — the problem is that the demands are unsustainable. Band-aids don't fix structural problems.
That said: the 20-minute walks? Keep those. The cardiovascular and mental health benefits of even short daily walks are substantial and well-documented.
So glad the brain dump thing is working for you!! And your whole list is just... real. This is why I love this community. Nobody is performing wellness. Everyone is just being honest about what life actually looks like and what actually helps.
If anyone wants to trade "things that actually help" lists I think that would be an awesome thread to keep going. Everyones situation is different and sometimes the most helpful advice comes from someone in the trenches, not someone with a podcast.