Self-care isn't selfish (why I had to learn this the hard way)
This post is for anyone who feels guilty about taking time for themselves. Whether you're a caregiver, a parent, a partner, a coach, whatever — if you're the person everyone depends on, you need to hear this.
When I was coaching, I gave everything to my players. 14-hour days, weekends, holidays. My wife would ask me to take a day off and I'd feel GUILTY. Like I was abandoning my team. My identity was wrapped up in being the guy who was always there for everyone else.
Then I burned out so hard I couldn't be there for anyone. Including myself. I was useless to my players, my wife, my friends. The thing I was afraid of (not being there for people) happened BECAUSE I never took care of myself.
Lesson learned the hard way: self-care isn't selfish. It's maintenance. You don't call a car selfish for needing gas. You don't call a phone selfish for needing to charge. You are a machine that requires maintenance to function.
If you feel guilty about going to the gym, going to therapy, taking a nap, saying no to something, or doing literally anything for your own wellbeing — the guilt is lying to you. Taking care of yourself IS taking care of the people who need you.
End of rant. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Jake I needed this today. I've been feeling SO guilty about the adult day program for my dad. Like even tho he loves it, part of me feels like I'm "dumping" him somewhere so I can have a break. Which is exactly what I'm doing. And it's NECESSARY. But the guilt...
The car analogy is actually really helpful. I'm going to use that when the guilt hits. I'm not selfish. I'm charging. My battery is at 2% and if I don't plug in I'm going to shut down.
Thank you.
man the "your identity was wrapped up in being the guy who was always there" thing is LOUD. after my divorce I realized my entire identity was "husband and provider" and without that I didnt know who I was. had to build a new identity from scratch at 39. therapy, gym, this community — its all part of figuring out who tom is when tom isnt defined by what tom does for other people.
work in progress but at least I'm progressing
The phone charging analogy should be on a poster in every doctor's office, therapist's office, and workplace break room. Simple, accurate, and destroys the guilt narrative.
As a working mom, the guilt is CONSTANT. Guilt for working when the kids need me. Guilt for being with the kids when work needs me. Guilt for taking 20 minutes to read a book. I'm trying to reprogram that narrative but it's deeply ingrained. Society literally built the "good mom = selfless martyr" archetype and then wonders why moms burn out.